Post 41:: Hello, Please Have Sex With Me

Something is going on in my life right now, that I can't really explain. It's complicated. My heart's all twisted up and weird and I don't know who to turn to except. . myself.
Because really, it's my personal choice, and no one else can decide it for me.
Although I really, really wish that they could.
The thing is. . . that . . .
I know what I need to do.
It's so obvious which one I should be with.
But I can't force myself to hurt the other one.

Anywayy, enough cryptic nonsense.
"Stop saying, 'i know how you feel'. How could anyone know how it feels ?" <--Nightwish, "Song Of Myself".

Ohh, let's talk about Nightwish for a bit.
OMG TARJA'S AMAZING ANETTE SUCKS ASS LOLOLOLOLOLOL OMG
uhhh, no. . . . kidding.
I love Anette.
Have you guys heard Imaginaerum ?
 I downloaded it the dayy it was released in the UK [. .  . erm]] >.>
And yeahh, i've been listening to it pretty much on repeat since then. It's kind of amazing, I really need to buy the actual album.
In my opinion, it's their best album. Wishmaster was really good, Once was really good, and Dark Passion Play was pretty awesome as well, some of my favorite Nightwish songs are off of DPP. "The Islander", and "Amaranth", for example. Also the bonus track "The Escapist". "The Escapist" is probably my favorite Nightwish song, next to "Amaranth". And then there's Imaginaerum and i'm like 'THIS WHOLE ALBUM IS MY FAVORITE SONG"
Although the album-title-song confused me. Track 13, "Imaginaerum" is an instrumental. It's amazing, and wonderful. However, in the special edition of the album, there's an instrumental version of every song. . . including track 13. And here's the best thing: The two instrumental "Imaginaerum"s are different lengths.
They're not the same time.
Lol. . . what. . . .

Moving right along at our usual clipped pace, I've decided to start gardening this year. I used to grow beans. . . and that was fantastic. They grew taller than my dad, which I found to be an accomplishment because I was like 12 or so and I thought my dad was really tall. [he's about six feet tall. I'm 5'6" so he's not that tall to me anymore.Especially after dating someone who's 6'4"]]
So todayy I cleaned out two different soil boxes, and I started soaking some pea-seeds, so I'll be planting those later todayy when my friend Gabri comes over.
We're going to be going to the midnight premiere of The Hunger Games.
Wooooo !
I should be more excited. . and I was, earlier, but. . now I'm worried about someone.
So I'm not half as excited as I should be.
I worry about this person a lot, actually.
They have something to do with that decision-thingy I was talking about up there ^^^^^

Gosh
It's really hard to blog about my life
When I can't tell you about it
Isn't it. . .

There's someone I really like
And it's a problem.
That's all.

Post 40:: Lonely and Alone

Today has just been. . awful. It was fine until a certain point. Someone is pulling me into something that I shouldn't be a part of, and I finally couldn't keep it to myself anymore so I just let it all out to my mum. . . . and now she's mad at the person and she is looking into what to do about teenage bullying, because this person. . is just harassing me over and over. I don't respond to an email and she sends me more, i block her email and SHE MAKES A NEW EMAIL and keeps at it. So yeahh. I'm going through. . really, really harsh bullying that is upsetting me a lot, and I'm trying so hard not to let it get to me, but. .. ugh.

Also, I got accepted to Wayne State University todayy !!!! But my mum wasn't happy for me. . she just discouraged me by sayying all this awful stuff about how I wouldn't have a good-paying job and stuff and I should go into something else. .

Here is the best song in the world to me, at the moment::

Post 39:: Just Some Depressing Stuff as per usual

Is it wrong to be jealous of someone's happiness ?
Especially if that person. . is your own boyfriend. . . .

Whenever I play League of Legends with him and his friends, theyy all get along really well and theyy joke around and theyy just. . I don't know.
Their happiness just pisses me off for some reason, because none of my friends play League of Legends with me, none of my friends do any of the slightly more nerdy things that I do, except for Robin. But she's a much lower level than I am, and for some reason I can't joke around with her about our games, I mean, I want to, but for some reason I can't. We do have our own jokes and stuff, but. . . gah. It's just. . . I don't know. It's not the same kind of joking.
I wish I could just hang out and play League with Aidan.
Goddammit I'm so fucking clingy I hate myself for it
But I really can't stop it
And i feel like if I ever hung out with Aidan and his friends in person, they would all hate me, and Aidan would think I was an idiot or something like that, because I'm outside of all of their jokes, and they disinclude me. Theyy don't mean to, I'm sure theyy don't. But theyy do. And i never know what to do or where to go and I don't want to be that one person who fed the other team and made us lose the game.

Also, I have this one really close friend and he lives an hour away from me, and i never get to see him and I miss him alot. And I feel like I'm being annoying as all hell when I bother him and ask him to hang out with me, I know he wants to spend more time with other people, and i know I'm too far away and he doesn't have a car, but. . . gah. I just feel like such a prick. i guess i will leave him alone more.

I'm pretty sure all of my friends hate me. Theyy never call me. Not one of them, ever. Julia has phone anxiety, so she's off the hook. She does invite me over alot, so yeahh. . but the others. . have no excuse.
And then I get the overspoken, 'Alaina, whyy haven't you called me lately ?"
ohh. . . is it my job to call you ?
i didn't know that.
Thanks for telling me, you pretentious asshat.

\sigh\\
Ohh
Wayne got my transcripts todayy
w00t.

Post 38:: Because I Can.

^^Best excuse ever.

If I asked you guys to babysit my kids, what would you say ??

Post 37:: Fuck the Haters That speak, Cause I Hate That You Breathe

yeah, my left shift-key button doesn't work, and i never use the right shift-key button, so there are going to be quite a few errors in this blogpost. it's not that i'm not pressing the key. i am. i just capitalized all of those i's. all of them. and that 'a'.
\groan\\
fuckin' . . . . nevermind.

my boyfriend is kind of a dick.
but whatever, mann. . . i mean. . . i don't know. i love him. he just has no sense of normal relationships. like, there's stuff that you just don't tell people. . . and he doesn't get it.  ohh well. i mean. . . he's just a little boy, after all. He acts so grown up and mature, but. .. .he's not.
it's ohkayy though. it's how all boys are. i just wish . .  gah i don't know what i wish.

new year's eve is coming !!! plans have changed, and victorian and i are going to some random bed&+breakfast in Romeo or some place like that. we've got a room and a laptop and movies and no mum. our plans so far consist of::
--> snacks
--> REPO: the genetic Opera
--> Sweeney Todd
-->Gypsy 83
--> The lion king 2
--> more snacks
--> wild partying
ohh and
--> strippers and popcorn.
LOL JUST KIDDING
about the popcorn

Anywayy my plugs keep falling out of my ears for no apparent reason. i've been wearing this pair for like,  . . the past year or something and they've never done that, but all of a sudden, they're like, 'cool, kayybye i'mma fall off now'' and i'm just like, 'ohh shit mann''. it's harsh.

tomorrow i'm going to Julia's house. I invited myself over. Cause i'm fucking boss.

i dyed my hair red

so deal with it, bitches.
yeahh it fucking glows.
i've been listening to Hollywood Undead too much.
i'm swearing like a motherfucking sailor.
but who cares, really. . . pirates are sexy and we all know it.
THIS MAN looks pretty good too. it's the longer hair and the clothing. so hot. i like my men older. lolkidding. i dated a 13 year old once.
anywayy
i'd like to forget about Tyler, thank you very much.
i really gotta stop blogging at such odd hours

Post 36:: Merry Vodka Christmas.

I'm kinda tipsy right now, I'm not even gonna lie.
Fuckin'. . .  . Christmas. . .  So terrible, mann.
SO TERRIBLE.
Said some things I really shouldn't have said, and then ran away. . . . and sat outside of the library, cause you know i'm just so fucking badass, awwwww yeeeeaaa.
I totally don't know what shirt size Aidan is, cause I've seen the tags on 8 of his shirts and theyy were all different sizes. So then I decided to go and look at the shirts that he had let me borrow. One was XL and one was S. So like, what in the actual fuck ?? I guess I need to wait for him to get home so I can ask him what size he is, cause. . yeahh.
Good news:: I'm getting a cell phone. Whoop-de-fucking-doo;; I'm almost 18, might as well buy my own fucking phone ? Derp.
Bad news:: my dad gets to pick it out and it's going to be pay as you go.
This is whyy it is going to be a shit-as-you-go:: Cause back in February or no, wait it was January, back when I had my own phone, I gave my dad $5 and he was like, 'unlimited texting ? Sure." and then two dayys later he said he got it for me. But guess what ? He didn't. So i went WAYY over my amount of texts that he had gotten me, not knowing that i didn't have unlimited.
So it's my dad's fault, right ?
Wrong.
It's somehow my fault.
BUT HOW IS IT MY FAULT. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I WAS DOING ANYTHING WRONG, HE TOLD ME THAT I HAD UNLIMITED.
Whaaaaaaaat.
Aah, my arms are so tired and I can already tell that I'm going to have a hangover tomorrow. . .I have to go to a cocktail party tomorrow, a black-tie-affair, and my hair is currently the colour of fuckin'. . . rudolph's nose. I'm not kidding. The first dayy i dyed it, it was literally glowing. In the dark. My family laughed so hard. .
Anywayy.
Whyy are theyy called cocktails ?
Is it because after you've had enough, the cock goes up your-- nevermind.
I spent wayy too much money this christmas and then I only got one thing for Aidan, i need to get him something else but I don't know what to get him, because i want it to be meaningful; last year I knitted him a scarf that was really nice. . . he said he loved it, but i don't know cause he never wears it as far as i can see, but whatever that's not my call. And it's not like i ever see him anywayy, so how do I even know ?
Hurmf.
Ideas, ideas. . .
Julia said to get him food.
i got him food for his birthdayy.
Ohh, his birthdayy.. . . I got him a birthdayy present ! He didn't get me anything for my birthdayy. Maybe the birthdayy present I got him can like. . . carry over into Christmas. .
. . . Nevermind. I'll just get him something else. I'll think of something and I'll give it to him, cause I heard he had a pretty bad christmas so far.
Gah, i haven't played League of Legends in like 3 dayys, NEW RECORD.
I miss Aserus. I bet he's leveled up. . . . . . I miss that kid.

For New Year's my mum and I are going to the Bavarian Inn or whatever that one place in Frankenmuth is; with the water park or whatever, and we're taking my second-cousin Robin. [side note:: Robin now plays League of Legends, and her username is Victorian Android (like her blog name)) and I am so used to calling her 'Victorian" that yesterdayy I called her 'Victorian" instead of 'Robin", i thought it was really funny, but anywayy i digress]] The only problem with this arrangement is that I'm kind of terrified of water ?? I'm hydrophobic and I don't swim. . Like, i kinda-sorta-KINDA got over that this Summer, but not really, I'm still scared as shit to go swimming, and I don't wanna go in past my knees, I would reallly rather just avoid water at all. . . Ohh and my dad isn't coming, cause he has 'obligations".
I'm tired of him bailling out. . there was so much tension todayy.
So much tension, doe. .
. . He's being such. . a jerk. . . lately. . . gotta go make another screwdriver because my mum just came in and saw that I was drinking, and she didn't even yell, she just sat down and cried while i typed and then asked me if I would make her one, so here we go bitches, drinking with my mum while i'm 17, ohh fuckyea.

Post 35:: Back To the Same Old Thing.

as you know from Post 33, my dayy has been such utter crap. And i really wanted to talk to this one guy. So badly. And then when we finally had time to talk, he wanted to play LoL. And then he went to play another game with his friend Ben, and I didn't want to play.
So he went and played without me.
I, of course, was a bitch about it to him.
But this time i feel like he deserved it.
Ben was feeling down. .. . that's great.
I'm sorry your friend was upset.
But guess what, there's someone else in your life who's upset, and she wants five minutes of your time to talk to you. When we talked earlier, he was playing minecraft. Then he wanted to play LoL. I'm tired of these games--literally. I know he gives me a lot and I know he makes so many sacrifices for me but sometimes it doesn't fucking feel like he gives a rat's ass about me.
Which i know is unreasonable, because I know he cares.
It just doesn't feel like it sometimes.
Like right now.