Post 44:: Fuck You and Dishonor Upon Your Cow

You honestly don't even deserve a post.
But here we go, because no matter how much I say I don't care, we both know that I do.
I care a lot.
And you know I care, and you are manipulating me and using me.
Because you know what I want, and you know that it's you.
I know what you are doing.
I've known for a while.
But I've been too lovesick to stop.
And now I'm just sick.
I'm sick of you, and your stupid little games.
I'm sick of you breaking my heart, over and over.
I'm sick of feeling not good enough
worthless
left out
and unwanted.
I'm sick of your attitude towards me, because you thought I was always going to be there.
I was.
You know that ?
I was always going to be there for you.
But people change, kiddo.
People change and you're the only one who hasn't changed.
Once, I thought you had changed.
I thought, 'heyy. you weren't like this when I first met you".
But now ?
Now I realize that. . . yeahh. You were like this. You have always, always been like this.
You have just hid it from me, oh-so-well.
You say that my emotions are 'so last summer' ?
Darling. . . . I love you.
I do.
But you're getting older than last summer.

Post 43:: Updates And Shittttt

I figured I'd talk about a few different things today, seeing as I haven't posted in an eternity.
Firstly, I have successfully graduated from highschool.
You may all applaud wildly.
Last week, I was writing my thank-you notes for my graduation party, and there was someone on my list who none of us knew, but my dad had written down that she gave me a book. And she lived in Pennsylvania, so we were all really confused, but I didn’t want to leave anyone out, so i wrote Mrs. Maureen Detailer a thank you note for the graduation gift
And sent it
And today i realized
That she sent me a book
Because I ordered it
Used
From Amazon.com
And so now I feel slightly ridiculous.

Secondly, I've had a rather on and off relationship recently, that has been incredibly rough on me, but not on the boy that it is with, not at all. My heart feels like it's being shoved in a blender, because I know for a fact that he's not fucking worth it, but. . . . ahh, I just. . . I can't get over him.


Thirdly, I not only went to The Devil's Carnival original tour in Ohio, but I am now attending The Devil's Carnival encore tour, which is now coming to Jackson, Michigan. I am excited, not only for the movie and the night spent with my friend in a hotel, but for a nice roadtrip-ish experience again. I miss roadtrips. I wish i could go on a genuine roadtrip again before college starts, but. . . I don't see it happening. I would really, really love to go camping this August. Like. . . . really, really. And all of my friends have super exiting summer lives.
Lol.
I don't do anything.
I don't have a super exciting summer life.
I don't even have a summer life.
I've sat here and rewatched Arrested Development in anticipation of the movie, for the last week. That's what I've done. My great contribution to society.

I did have a job for awhile, at a supermarket. But they fired me. Because I didn't speak Arabic. Like, what. . . . I don't. . . whaaaa. . . 

anyway, that's all, kids. Some concerts coming up: Emilie Autumn, Nightwish, Kamelot, One-Eyed Doll, Otep. . .. yeahh, life is ok.

Still not sure if I'm going to the One-Eyed Doll/Otep concert, because it's an 18+ venue and my cousin Robin wouldn't be able to go and I'd feel super duper shitty if I went without her.

Post 42:: If you can tell me why I'm sad, I'll give you the world.

Breaking up isn't easy
I know it isn't easy
I never said it was
But it hurts when the person you broke up with
Doesn't even ask you to stay with them
I just feel so unloved right now
And lonely
And upset
And disgusting
I need a break from. . . life, basically.
Where do I go from here. . . I have no idea
I guess there's two paths
One is being Lonely
And the other is Abuse
. . . .
. . . . . . . . Abuse it is.

Post 41:: Hello, Please Have Sex With Me

Something is going on in my life right now, that I can't really explain. It's complicated. My heart's all twisted up and weird and I don't know who to turn to except. . myself.
Because really, it's my personal choice, and no one else can decide it for me.
Although I really, really wish that they could.
The thing is. . . that . . .
I know what I need to do.
It's so obvious which one I should be with.
But I can't force myself to hurt the other one.

Anywayy, enough cryptic nonsense.
"Stop saying, 'i know how you feel'. How could anyone know how it feels ?" <--Nightwish, "Song Of Myself".

Ohh, let's talk about Nightwish for a bit.
OMG TARJA'S AMAZING ANETTE SUCKS ASS LOLOLOLOLOLOL OMG
uhhh, no. . . . kidding.
I love Anette.
Have you guys heard Imaginaerum ?
 I downloaded it the dayy it was released in the UK [. .  . erm]] >.>
And yeahh, i've been listening to it pretty much on repeat since then. It's kind of amazing, I really need to buy the actual album.
In my opinion, it's their best album. Wishmaster was really good, Once was really good, and Dark Passion Play was pretty awesome as well, some of my favorite Nightwish songs are off of DPP. "The Islander", and "Amaranth", for example. Also the bonus track "The Escapist". "The Escapist" is probably my favorite Nightwish song, next to "Amaranth". And then there's Imaginaerum and i'm like 'THIS WHOLE ALBUM IS MY FAVORITE SONG"
Although the album-title-song confused me. Track 13, "Imaginaerum" is an instrumental. It's amazing, and wonderful. However, in the special edition of the album, there's an instrumental version of every song. . . including track 13. And here's the best thing: The two instrumental "Imaginaerum"s are different lengths.
They're not the same time.
Lol. . . what. . . .

Moving right along at our usual clipped pace, I've decided to start gardening this year. I used to grow beans. . . and that was fantastic. They grew taller than my dad, which I found to be an accomplishment because I was like 12 or so and I thought my dad was really tall. [he's about six feet tall. I'm 5'6" so he's not that tall to me anymore.Especially after dating someone who's 6'4"]]
So todayy I cleaned out two different soil boxes, and I started soaking some pea-seeds, so I'll be planting those later todayy when my friend Gabri comes over.
We're going to be going to the midnight premiere of The Hunger Games.
Wooooo !
I should be more excited. . and I was, earlier, but. . now I'm worried about someone.
So I'm not half as excited as I should be.
I worry about this person a lot, actually.
They have something to do with that decision-thingy I was talking about up there ^^^^^

Gosh
It's really hard to blog about my life
When I can't tell you about it
Isn't it. . .

There's someone I really like
And it's a problem.
That's all.

Post 40:: Lonely and Alone

Today has just been. . awful. It was fine until a certain point. Someone is pulling me into something that I shouldn't be a part of, and I finally couldn't keep it to myself anymore so I just let it all out to my mum. . . . and now she's mad at the person and she is looking into what to do about teenage bullying, because this person. . is just harassing me over and over. I don't respond to an email and she sends me more, i block her email and SHE MAKES A NEW EMAIL and keeps at it. So yeahh. I'm going through. . really, really harsh bullying that is upsetting me a lot, and I'm trying so hard not to let it get to me, but. .. ugh.

Also, I got accepted to Wayne State University todayy !!!! But my mum wasn't happy for me. . she just discouraged me by sayying all this awful stuff about how I wouldn't have a good-paying job and stuff and I should go into something else. .

Here is the best song in the world to me, at the moment::

Post 39:: Just Some Depressing Stuff as per usual

Is it wrong to be jealous of someone's happiness ?
Especially if that person. . is your own boyfriend. . . .

Whenever I play League of Legends with him and his friends, theyy all get along really well and theyy joke around and theyy just. . I don't know.
Their happiness just pisses me off for some reason, because none of my friends play League of Legends with me, none of my friends do any of the slightly more nerdy things that I do, except for Robin. But she's a much lower level than I am, and for some reason I can't joke around with her about our games, I mean, I want to, but for some reason I can't. We do have our own jokes and stuff, but. . . gah. It's just. . . I don't know. It's not the same kind of joking.
I wish I could just hang out and play League with Aidan.
Goddammit I'm so fucking clingy I hate myself for it
But I really can't stop it
And i feel like if I ever hung out with Aidan and his friends in person, they would all hate me, and Aidan would think I was an idiot or something like that, because I'm outside of all of their jokes, and they disinclude me. Theyy don't mean to, I'm sure theyy don't. But theyy do. And i never know what to do or where to go and I don't want to be that one person who fed the other team and made us lose the game.

Also, I have this one really close friend and he lives an hour away from me, and i never get to see him and I miss him alot. And I feel like I'm being annoying as all hell when I bother him and ask him to hang out with me, I know he wants to spend more time with other people, and i know I'm too far away and he doesn't have a car, but. . . gah. I just feel like such a prick. i guess i will leave him alone more.

I'm pretty sure all of my friends hate me. Theyy never call me. Not one of them, ever. Julia has phone anxiety, so she's off the hook. She does invite me over alot, so yeahh. . but the others. . have no excuse.
And then I get the overspoken, 'Alaina, whyy haven't you called me lately ?"
ohh. . . is it my job to call you ?
i didn't know that.
Thanks for telling me, you pretentious asshat.

\sigh\\
Ohh
Wayne got my transcripts todayy
w00t.

Post 38:: Because I Can.

^^Best excuse ever.

If I asked you guys to babysit my kids, what would you say ??